Editor’s Note: Today will be the introduction of the last planned segment. Breaking it Down is where I take a closer look at something that many may quickly glance over. Absurdity and ridiculousness abounds in today’s society and I want to bring some of these follies to light.
The above picture is the back label to my recently purchased Suave For Men Body Wash. I want to be clear that I didn’t purchase said body wash because it was made (read: marketed) for men, I bought it because it was on sale and it was the first bottle I saw. When I shop, grocery or otherwise, when there is a product I need, I simply take the first one that satisfies my needs. This has been both the cause for me spending as little time as possible shopping and my acquisition of a Hello Kitty notebook. (All right you caught me. I didn’t actually buy a Hello Kitty notebook. I got the matching stickers and eraser tops that came as a set with the notebook. That’s just good value shopping.)
Why is this body wash made specifically for men? Is there something in its ingredients that allows for it to navigate the unkempt maze that is my chest and body hair? Of course not. This body wash is no different than any other one out there. It’s just simply marketed towards the male demographic. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m fine with products being marketed towards one sex or the other, but please follow through when you take up that endeavor.
Look at the label where it says ‘To Use.’ (Actually let me step back a second. Why is there a ‘To Use’ section on the label? The name of the product tells you what to do with it. Wash your body. Although it’s a good thing I was told how to use this fine product because I had it all wrong. I was planning on sautéing some potatoes in it but now I will just stick to degreasing my balls.) The line in the ‘To Use’ section that I take umbrage with is where is says to use a wet bath pouf. I had to Google bath pouf to figure out what hell one is. Once I saw a picture of one I quickly recognized it as a common, everyday bath item. (See below)
But why would a body wash aimed at men be encouraging use of a pouf? Do they think guys just hang around in showers at the gym using poufs to wash off the stench of some pick-up basketball? “Hey Jerry, no pouf today? Here take mine; I carry a few extra with me for just such an occasion. I was caught pouf-less once before and my wife could smell my sack when I pulled in the driveway.” Men don’t use poufs. Just saying the word makes me want to drink some scotch and make a pass at my secretary just to compensate the loss of testosterone.
Men would rather use a pine cone to wash with than have to admit they use a pouf. I have a theory that addresses this and should be put into practice. It goes something like this: when every man turns 16, by law, they must take a pilgrimage to Hawaii. Once there, they must hike to the top of Diamondhead where they will meet a drifter named Lyle*. The pilgrim will enter a circle of fire and must wrestle Lyle to the ground in less than 3 minutes. If he succeeds, he will be led by one of the many wenches to the Sacred Cove. There he will be given a pick-axe and told to chop off a piece of pumice to use as his man pouf for life. But that’s not the world we live in. And it's a God-damn shame.
*If Lyle is unavailable, his half brother Gus can be substituted but the time to pin him drops to 90 seconds. Gus has lost a step over the years and will mostly like be drunk on Wild Turkey.
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