Sounds Like a Hipster: Walk to the Store

Editor’s Note:  This post was written immediately after the events occurred to me.  Some of the details I didn’t want to forget so I wrote them down as soon as I could.  You’ll see why.

I am starting to think that living within walking distance of a grocery store is going to give me a lot of material for posts.  And that happens to be the case with this one.  This story starts out innocently; I just wanted to bake some chocolate chip cookies.  Simple enough.  I really like the kind where the dough is already made and all you need to do is slice it off, place on a cookie sheet and bake.  As any cookie connoisseur can tell you, once you get the idea of those fresh baked cookies in your head, only those will appease your hunger pangs.  So my mind was made up and I set off for the store.

It was 10 PM on a Sunday so I didn’t think there would be a lot of people out and about.  I was midway through my 73 second walk to the store, yes I timed it, when I turned onto the main thoroughfare where the store is located.  To get there, I walk to the end of my street, turn left and my local Jewel-Osco is right there.  I wasn’t exaggerating about the 73 seconds.  The relative short amount of time is important because I still can’t believe all this shit happened in such a short time period.

After turning left, I passed a bar and a couple restaurants.  The Italian restaurant I walked past offered ‘patio’ seating which is basically just tables out on the sidewalk.  (Isn’t it nice to know that restaurants have made us believe that sitting on a sidewalk, outside, engulfed by car exhaust is an acceptable way to eat a meal?)   

I was walking past some of the aforementioned outside tables when I spotted a woman in her 20s speaking to the passersby ahead of me.  As I was getting closer I could hear the woman repeating in a low monotone, ‘I don’t need lube.  I don’t need lube…’  She just kept repeating it as if it were on a loop.  I didn’t even bat an eye and kept walking to the store.  My first instinct told me that this woman was just trying to get a reaction out of the people that passed by in some attempt to impress her friends.  And my intuition was correct.  Once I was passed her table, I could hear her turn to her friends and complain that she couldn’t get anyone to react.

At first, I was happy with myself for not giving her the reaction she wanted but that quickly became disappointment in that I didn’t have a zinger ready to throw back at her.  Usually this is an area where I excel.  But then I realized I would probably have a second shot at this.  A rarity for sure.   How many times have you told a story, ended it and been asked if that's really what you said.  Instead you have to answer, ‘Yeah that’s what I should have said to him.’  Now I would have the chance to use whatever I came up with soon after.  I was only going to be in the store for about 5 minutes so I had to hop to it.

I went to the cookie dough section and started racking my brain.  I knew it would have to be short because I would only get a few seconds as I passed her again.  It didn’t take long but I came up with quite a few.  Here’s a list of the ones that didn’t make the cut.  Some aren’t bad and some could use some work.

• Really?  Hi, I’m Nick.
• Prove it.
• Sounds like my first time.
• Me too!

I told you they weren’t all winners.  I had settled on the first one or some variation of it.  I wasn’t thrilled about it but it was the best one I could come up with.  After I checked out and was carrying my plastic grocery bag home it suddenly occurred to me.  With the new quip I came up with I had to fully commit or it wouldn’t work.  I only had about 20 seconds between leaving the store and my next encounter at the Italian restaurant so I had to decide pretty quickly.  I had to win the battle with this wench so I went for it.

As I was approaching the outside tables, she was still trying in vain to get someone to notice her.  As I got closer I made eye contact with her and she started into her loop again, ‘I don’t need lube.  I don’t need lube…’  But this time I was ready.  I let out a half exasperated, half jealous sigh and said, ‘Lucky.  I go through SO much.’  I lifted my bag and nodded towards it as to convey the fact I had to yet again stock up on KY.  Her table started cracking up and but she couldn’t say one word.  I just walked on into the night.

Ideally, this is where I would end the post.  But this was just the midway point.  I made the turn back onto my street when I saw an attractive woman in her early 30s walking by herself.  As I was getting closer to her, an SUV with 4 or 5 dudes pulled up at the stop sign.  Their window was down and they started cat calling at her.  The typical phrases were thrown out: ‘Hey baby, you’re hot,’ ‘You make me hard.’  

I didn’t say or do anything because quite frankly I didn’t care.  The thing that bothered me about the situation was how unoriginal these guys were.  If you are going to holler out from a car window, try something they haven’t heard before. Here’s a suggestion:

• I'm imagining intercourse between us right now.  It would last around 30 seconds and I would cry after.  If cleaning up my post-coital tears sounds appealing then hop on in!

I’ve never understood why we as guys think that hollering at a woman on the street is a good idea.  What’s the best case scenario here?  She sprints for the car door, rips off her clothes and provides a pleasure so intense that 2 of the guys vomit in pure ecstasy?  Guys, I know I have a whole category dedicated to how awesome we are but stop this.  Besides, the only woman you should ever talk to through a car window is a night shift manager at Taco Bell or works for someone named Sweet Chocolate Clarence Quick.  (I’m not condoning prostitution but anyone who goes by Sweet Chocolate can’t be that bad of a guy.  I’m just saying, I’d sip some crunk juice from a chalice with that Don any day.)

So after about 15 seconds the SUV left and no one was any worse off.  I kept on my way to my apartment and when I got there, I saw a woman trying to get in.  But this wasn’t any woman.  This woman was a librarian.  There is no need to describe her any further because every librarian in every library looks exactly the same.  I’m not making fun of the librarian arts; I’m just saying there is a distinct look associated with that profession.

Librarian Porn

When I get through the first door into the lobby, I quickly found out that she was drunk.  We’re not talking tipsy here.  No no, this was ‘driving your Nissan Sentra through an antiques storefront because inside you saw a 1^st edition of The Great Gatsby’ drunk.  I was in no mood to hear the history of the Dewey Decimal system so I just pretty much ignored her and just walked to my unit. (That’s right, I ignored both ends of the female spectrum on one trip to the grocery store.  Clearly I’ve earned my Sweet Chocolate moniker.)  But as I was baking the cookies I sat there in disbelief.  When have you ever seen/heard about a librarian being drunk?  It’s so rare that I’m sure most of you don’t believe that part of the story.  But it did happen.  Oh yes.  But for now just call me Captain Ahab because that was one white whale of a night.