Editor’s Note: See what I did with the title? Clever, I know.
As you can see from the title, this post is all about dancing. You aren’t going to find that many people from my demographic that will talk at length about this topic so I thought I would give it a try.
I’m a good dancer. No, really I am. How do I know this? Well I have the seal of approval from someone that knows a thing or two about the subject. More on that later. But here’s the thing: I don’t want to be a great dancer. I’m as good right now as I want to be. As a white dude, there is a range you want to fit in. No one wants to have two left feet. But at the same time, you don’t want to be insanely good. If you are out there stomping the yard (that’s what the kids say these days right?) people are going to want to know what’s up. I know this may sound narcissistic, but I think I sit at the apex of acceptable white, male dancing.
Of course there are exceptions to this range. The only one I can think of at the moment would be Justin Timberlake. Now that is a dude that can dance. This just shows you how low the bar has been set for white guy dancing. Name another great Caucasian male dancer. Sure, Conan has his novelty string dance but I would hardly put him in the same category as JT.
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| Despite this hat, he can still dance |
While there is a range in skill level you want to find yourself in, there’s also an age range that needs to be considered. I’m not saying old people shouldn’t dance; they should. Is there anything more adorable than Ethel and Merle putting down their walkers to cut a rug at their 50th wedding anniversary? I’m just saying there is a shelf life for dancing the way I currently do. No one wants to see a 46 year old guy pop lock and drop it. It looks creepy. Do you see any dancing in those Just for Men Touch of Grey commercials?
All right I feel like some of you are having a hard time following my rules for age appropriate dancing. So here is a chart. Feel free to make this into a laminate and keep it in your wallet.
Age | Dancing Status |
0-9 | Adorable – nothing more, nothing less |
10-13 | Awkward |
14-17 | Awkward with a constant erection |
18-20 | Still erect but wishing you were drunk |
21-31 | Drunk and loving life |
32-44 | Entering CreepyTown, population: You |
45-64 | Tell Dad to stop dancing |
65+ | Adorable once again |
I must just have dancing on the brain. I recently finished up a 4 week stretch that included two weddings, a bachelor party and a few nights out at the bar. I was conversing with a few of my classmates as we were walking to the train and I noticed about 8 Chicago police officers standing on one street corner where there are usually none. I wondered aloud why they thought they were so many. ‘Oh it’s probably because of all the flash mobs recently.’ My response, ‘Really? We need police officers for those now?’ Violent teen attacks v. random dancing in a public place. As you can tell I need to hang up the dancing shoes for a bit.
More evidence I need to take a break, at one of the weddings I attended, I left the dance floor covered in sweat. I mean absolutely drenched. And I’m not even one of those dudes that typically sweats a lot. But in this case I looked like Shaq at the free throw line. In fact the only picture I have of myself with the bride and groom, I was sweating so much that you can see my nipple through my soaked white dress shirt. Let’s all take a minute and soak that in.
Part of the reason there are no prominent white male dancers is that it’s just not cool anymore. Remember John Travolta and Patrick Swayze? Yeah you do. In their prime, these guys were two of the coolest dudes on the planet. Both are considered good dancers but after a closer look, they benefitted from some help. The setting for Dirty Dancing was 1963 in the Catskill Mountains. Is there a stuffier group of white people on the planet than at one of those resorts? And Travolta, he had the biggest hand of all—a Bee Gees soundtrack. Anything looks good with the sweet falsetto of Barry Gibb backing your every move. I believe it was the great Wayne Campbell that said, ‘I mean Led Zeppelin didn’t write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.’ Case and point.
The other thing about modern dancing that bothers me is the fact it’s been hijacked by 11 year olds. Every dancing show you see on TV has a group of 4 pre-teens doing flips off the wall and spins on their head. No pre-pubescent kid should have that much attitude. They all stand around with the fingertips cut out of their gloves and their arms crossed telling everyone to ‘Bring it!’ The only thing lamer than this is when someone replies, ‘Oh it’s already been brought!’
Have you figured out who gave me the seal of approval that I mentioned earlier? Think about it. Who are the best dancers in our society? It’s not a trick question. Black guys. I’m not being racist here either, they are good dancers. Yeah it’s a stereotype but it’s a good one. Michael Jackson, Usher, Chris Brown, Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. The list goes on. In my month long dance gauntlet, I was with some friends dancing at a bar when a black man came up behind me, crossed his arms and nodded his head approvingly. He said, ‘Your boy’s got some moves.’ And then walked on. I had to be informed of this later as I was too busy getting busy. But once I heard the news, it was the best day of my life. JT, continue to carry the torch for us but you best know I’m coming for ya.
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